Before We Were Us — Extract

“…until the expiation be complete, the soul must pass, under the guidance of its guardian angels, through one body after another—not only human bodies, but also those of the lower creatures. And thus such suffering as cannot be traced to any visible cause is to be regarded as the purgation of sin committed in some former existence…” Basilides (80AD – 140AD) 

PROLOGUE
1988 – North Devon, England

Countisbury Hill is topped with purple heathers and orange-yellow gorse. From there it falls down an almost sheer cliff-face into the sea – a drop of one thousand feet – at the bottom of which the final breaking waves of the Atlantic Ocean smash themselves upon the rocks. Sometimes people go to Countisbury Hill to smash themselves on the rocks too. That was what brought her to this beauty spot on this bright September day.

You could say she wasn’t fully conscious because, despite the enormity of what she was about to do, on the surface she didn’t think or feel very much at all. Paradoxically, somewhere beneath the surface it was as though she could feel everything she’d ever felt and everything she’d always wanted to feel and everything she’d avoided feeling all at once. In a sense she had never been more conscious in her whole life. But all the feelings were distant and pale and no longer mattered anyway.

She indulged in no pause for reflection or ceremony, just a brief glance over the edge for practical reasons. She was surprised at how far out the cliffs curved at the top before they became vertical. That meant she’d have to run and jump quite a way, putting in more effort than simply dropping off the edge like she’d imagined. With that observation in mind and with no more delay, she took four or five long running strides towards the edge, leaped and was gone.

The first thing she noticed in the moment when she cleared the edge was air. It hit her hard and filled her with a cold blast, but at the same time she couldn’t catch her breath. Air was in her and around her but she couldn’t seem to get the air her body needed.

She began to somersault, her feet overtaking her head. Her mind could no longer take in or assimilate all that was happening, it had no point of reference or memories of anything to compare to this moment, nor could it think fast enough to arrange itself.

As her awareness of externals faded, her attention was drawn to something internal… It was hot and dark, a rushing sound; so much pressure her head hurt. People were shouting. Muffled voices. She wanted to be left where she was, to be kept safe. Too late: the light that suddenly hit her made a splitting pain behind her eyes.  At least the pressure was gone. There was colour and movement, hands on her, more shouting, now clear and SO LOUD.

She was upside down in the air. Another sharp pain, this time behind her, she heard another sound, a piercing yell, it was coming from inside of her, air pouring out of her own mouth.

"It’s a girl"